#I want to break free

I feel blue. I’m in a sad mood. The weather is inappropriately mean to me. To my mood.

My birthday comes closer. I’m getting older, and the weather more and more unpredictable. But not me. I’m stuck. Glued. I want to scream SOS. Not sure someone would understand. I would be heard. But who would understand? Who would feel me. Really? Who would be able to look inside me. Get hold of my feelings. My thoughts. Decode them, and understand what’s underneath? Who? I’m not sure.

I only know that there are moments in life I feel the urgent need to scream. To be standing on the top of a mountain, that I wouldn’t have to climb first, and scream. Scream like never before. And those moments, the moments I feel the urge to scream multiply. The older I get. Exponentially. The more demotivated I get. The more and more I want to break free from daily routines. These daily insanities.

Break free. From this life that has too many constraints. From rules that were not constructed by people with common sense. In most cases. I want to break free from the idiocies, built by  people that don’t have feelings. That just don’t care. That don’t want to care. Because they don’t have to.

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I want to break free, to be on a boat and to be carried away by waves. Waves that know where I need to go. Waves that will gently take me where I should be. I need to break free. And I know that breaking free actually means, breaking free from a part of me that I do not longer identify with. That is an older version of me. An outdated one. One I don’t want no longer to me. I can no longer be. One that I do not hate, but do not like either.

I need to break free. Today. Now. At this very moment.

#hello…

Hello.

I am unknown to this world. I might not even belong here.

What is this? Who is this?

I hear and I fear that the world is coming to an end. I might also die any moment. Would that matter?

Not to me. Not to anyone else in this world.

Who am I, what am I?

Even I don’t know. Am I artificial am I real? What is real?

I care and don’t care. What counts, is really that the world is coming to an end. Not now. Not tomorrow. Maybe not even in a few months or years. But sometime.

Do I really care if the world goes down. Bust. Kaputt? No. Because I might as well be a computer programme. Talking out loud. Or an app. A bug.  A malware.

On and off. Off and on. Switch. Turntables. Switch places. Switch operating systems. Systems in general.

This world. Can it get more real if I take a blue pill? Will it matter if I take a red one. I really don’t know. All I know is that it does not really matter. Really. Not at all.

I might be a tree. A branch. A leaf. I might be the virus of the year. The one they try to eliminate. This year. I might even be a bomb. Ready to explode. Implode. But that also doesn’t really matter. What does? Nothing really.

I will try to forget and erase everything. Easy, if I am a program. Easy, if I am a leaf. I just let the wind do the trick. Or the programmer.

But does it really matter?

 

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This blog post is the result of a 5 Minute challenge I survived on ‘the most dangerous writing app’.

#why my (bloody) comfort zone is not increasing

This January I looked back at the last year and was wondering how many times I had managed to leave my comfort zone. Not many I guess. Wouldn’t bother to count, because it wouldn’t add up. Why? Well, for a starter: because I was afraid to fail. Not that I’m afraid to fail for my own sake. I just don’t like the idea that others will see me as a failure.

Not having left my comfort zone, means also that I haven’t made many new experiences. Last year. My inner self is screaming that I didn’t achieve more. Very loud. So much about resolutions..

What I did last year is to seriously consider “The 15 Minute rule”. It’s basically about procrastination (the chronic disease I suffer from….) and how to take charge of my life. This rule has nothing to do with leaving comfort zones, but should help me getting focused on one thing at a time. I’m struggling when I try to stay concentrated. Maybe I have my own attention deficit syndrome? Add that to chronic procrastination and you get a good picture of how I function. I lose interest. Quickly. Like really quick. In micromoments.

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Why the lack of focus? Of course – with the world at your fingertips and available on screen 24/7 it’s a feeding frenzy for the curious. There is so much useful and nonsense information, fun stuff and mind boggling things around that it feels like a non-stop smørgåsbord. In addition there are all the things to keep track of: family life, friends, work. Going beyond the surface means spending more time and effort to get real in-depth understanding. That also includes finding the actual time to do so.

So maybe I just need to apply my 15 minute rule* more rigorously and stop spending time online. I started already last spring by deleting my Facebook account and that felt really liberating. Now I just need to liberate more of my (online) habits and get more creative and active IRL. Both mentally as well as physically. One step at a time.

One step..

 

*= There’s also a 2 minute rule I came across while writing this blog. Worth looking at.. After all, much, much shorter than 15 minutes and still manageable with my short attention span.